I woke up this morning and started "ranting" on Twitter. "Love" is pretty much the running theme in my life right now. People asking me for advice, me asking people for advice... I am learning so much and am so happy for the people working hard at their relationships, leaving poisonous ones and mostly, the people who are realizing who they are themselves within or without a relationship altogether.
The rant began after I looked at some pictures of one of my guy friends and his girlfriend of, about two years (+?), and I was just so happy for him because I remember him saying how hard it was to find a good woman and that he ultimately wanted that healthy relationship some day. I think that part of the realization of the 11 Qualifications came from watching an episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker last night. Patti Stanger had a female client, in her late 30s/early 40s, who is an über successful caterer in New York who had a "list" and control issues. Stanger's client sounds like a LOT of my friends and seeing that episode mixed with the success my friend has found in love, switched on the light bulb in my head.
I realized that YES, you SHOULD have some qualifications but, you should not have an excuse. Lists cripple your success in love. All it is, is a bunch of words that you count on in case you don't want to admit that you just aren't physically attracted to a person (or "mentally stimulated" for the phonies who act like sexual attraction isn't important to them). So many times my girls will say: "He just didn't match w/ my list." Did he not match? Or did it just not workout, because you became turned off somehow, so you're blaming it on an 8.5"x11" sheet of wood chips? He didn't align with the list? Or are you whack? He wasn't right because of the list? Or did you just go against your intuition because you knew better than to get involved with his ass?
BUT . . . I dont' want to lose your attention (for those who are actually reading this post and didn't skip to the list) so I will get right to it. Here are 11 YES or NO questions that you can apply to potential/current mates and I honestly feel like, if you can't say 'yes' to them all, you should just quit...
1.) Are they HEALTHY? -- If you look at them, do they look or behave [as in, do drugs; including cigarettes and excess drinking or those creepy mannerisms/ticks/obsessions] like a drug addict? If they do . . . that's not it.
2.) Are the generally attractive? -- Not, "easy on the eyes", I'm saying, when you look at them, do they look good to you. Not, "adonis fine", either. [Which they could be/become to you, but you know what I'm sayin'.]
3.) Could they survive without you? -- Are you the center of their universe? You don't want to be that. Are you important to them? AS important as work/play/friends/family? IT'S A GO!
4.) Do they have the sense of humor you like? -- If they can't make you laugh... [sigh] even if racist jokes are your "thing" . . . it just won't work. They have to make you laugh . . . hard and often.
5.) Do they believe in something bigger than them? -- I suggest that you two are "of the same yolk". If you're Christian he/she should be Christian. Hindu to Hindu, etc. There was a case in Chicago about a Catholic/Jewish couple who got a divorce and ended up suing one another over their baby daughters religious practices. And MORE than that, a family that prays together, stays together.
6.) Do they thrive in good AND bad times? -- Do they like . . . commit suicide EVERY TIME they're struggling? Do they ignore you when things are going well for them? That's wishy washy behavior. You need stability to build a foundation.
7.) Do they treat you & your time with respect? -- I can't tell you what that should look or feel like, only your intuition can gauge that for you.
8.) Are you sexually attracted to them (even after you have sex)? -- Even if you're saving yourself for marriage, you should "feel" a certain way about your mate. If you're not, you should feel that certain thing too. But most importantly, AFTER you actually have sex, you should still ALWAYS feel that, no matter what, it shouldn't be a CHORE to get your groove on. It also shouldn't need to be a round table discussion between your heart, spirit, genitals, brain and conscience [saying 'yes' or 'no'] EVERY TIME.
9.) Do they challenge you to become better? -- Directly or indirectly. We don't want drill sergeants but, you do want someone who sends you links that are good for your career/ideas or is constantly teaching you something new. Even a little healthy competition is good.
10.) Are they an addition to your life? (family, friends, business... even if they move you from a place, is it a smooth transition UP?). -- Do they fit in? If they do stand out, is it LIKE a sore thumb? Or are they an actual pain in the ass? Your friends don't have to love them but, they shouldn't have the feeling that they need to TOLERATE them for your sake. Your mom and dad need to approve of their character. Looks, sexuality, income, all that can be changed [some people might disagree w/ the sexuality part but, you gotta admit, it can be masked if you want it to be] and I hope your parents are more interested in their heart than the stupid things. The stereotype that in-laws and husbands/wives don't get along does not have to be true for you...but they don't need to be best friends. AND if they do "remove" you from a group of people, it should always be up, it should NEVER be against your will and it should be to a safer place. Otherwise, they are insane and might murder you or something.
11.) Do you guys spend money alike? If yes, great. If no, can you two work together towards the goal to find a balance? -- Finances are the #1 reason why people get divorced (poor AND rich people).* Can you get used to someone who spends frivolously (or not at all)? Is it okay if he buys himself a new car but won't even pay for your dinner? Is her first thought to sacrifice herself and give all of her money to friends/family okay with you? If not, can you two exist "separately" in that institution? Or can you work together to teach each other how to be more flexible here and there (which is a better idea)?
And I just added one while I was typing...
12.) Can you COMMUNICATE? Can you speak your mind without any fear that they will smack you? Can you listen to an opinion without preparing your rebuttal the WHOLE time they're pouring their heart out? Can you actually take a bit of their advice and your own and apply it to your life? Or, can you both talk, in one sitting, and stand up knowing that you've resolved the issue? Even if your style is to yell and be dramatic or maybe you become silent in heated situations... Can you two communicate, that's the point.
The end.
It got a little lengthy so I'll stop here. : )
HAVE A GOOD DAY!
*I heard that $ is the biggest reason ppl divorce on Moody radio. MOODY NEVA LIES! Reliable sources people!
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